Each of these shorts are exactly 79 words; no more no less. First you need a story line. Then it must be refined to its essence. Finally, it must be tweaked and culled to be exactly 79 words. “Delicous” was my first 79 worder written and entered into a contest in GQ magazine; how could it not have won? Enjoy.
Flat Soles; March 16, 2019 an old 79er I found from March 2013
The human foot is made up of 26 bones, 33 joints and supports the entire weight of the body. Delicate yet strong. Support yet with movement. Feet are nothing short of anatomical marvels. A confident woman in flat soles presents her petite beguiling ways. Anthropology supports this evolutionary fact of the demure female who can seductively control the hulking male brute. Then why do woman find it necessary to compromise support and movement with heeled shoes? Damn Ruth Handler.
MeToo; December 6,2018
Tony, the pudgy, balding D.O.T. road crewman, was entertaining his old friend and crewmate Billy Joe. “Feminism is a cancer” he whined while vaping and swilling Mountain Dew. “It is killing us men”. BillyJoe, southern redneck with ornate body tattoos reaching up his neck for his face, nodded sullenly even though his experience with women mostly involved air inflated latex; “Them bitches think they are equal”. Just then, the microwave dinged their taquitos were ready. Both men enjoyed dinner.
Makes One Think; December 27, 2017
Thanks to Ruth Handler, American society has a warped opinion of female beauty. Slender, curvy and with disproportionate size breasts is what Ruth gave us with Barbie. This Barbie bosom infatuation has continued for over 50 years. However, if women are heavier than the Barbie ideal, it is common the bosom size increases in fullness, possibly length and squeezability. However, think how fat the American male population would be if being overweight did the same thing to a penis?
Pickup Lines; November 10, 2017
My theory on pickup lines is that a single line to enamor a woman is a myth. There needs to be sequence of lines to get her to attend to you. A subject that can be expanded and makes your conversation memorable like this;” Hey gorgeous, how many men have you been with?” After her quizzical look, you finish with “No, no, not in your whole life, just the most at one time?” I’m certain of pure gold success.
The Bane of Jimmy Johns; August 2017
As a bicycle enthusiast, I share the road with vehicles and often have the right of way over the vehicle. Conversely, drivers operate a multi-ton high speed machine that is the innate right of all true Americans. So, bicyclists have enough trouble getting the respect of drivers without Jimmy Johnsers running stop lights, riding on the sidewalk, riding against traffic. Jimmy Johnsers are not cool urban trappings of the city but a cultural regression with drivers for cyclists everywhere.
I Never Seen No; July 2017
My kitchen counter and back splash are dark granite and do not join perfectly leaving a slender crack. I ventured to a local hardware store here in Orlando to acquire sealant. Every variety of sealant was white but my counter is black. I asked two employees if they knew of any dark sealants. First man answers “I only ever seen white cock; how bout you Charlie”. Charlie replied “I seen white cock but I never seen no black cock”.
Misnomers; April 2014
The word shit is the most misused word in the English language. For example, when confronted with very cold temperatures one might say “its cold as shit” when clearly shit is 96.8 degrees. How about “I have to take a shit”? Does this mean combing through public toilets? And if you “didn’t give a shit” you would not be uncaring but probably very sick. Finally, to call a woman “hot as shit” is crudely accurate but not a compliment.
Influential Americans; 8-13
Ray Krok, Abe Leavitt and Ruth Handler made the worst contributions to our society. Abe, Leavittown founder, started the suburban revolution leading to the decline of our cities and our utter auto dependence. Ray, McDonald’s founder, is chiefly responsible for our overly hurried approach to life with fast food and poor health quality meals. Finally Ruth, Barbie doll queen, has so influenced our warped fascination with female anatomy that has scarred girls and boys alike. All take a bow.
Guest Writers; These next three are by two guest writers (dear friends) and my response to Lauren’s intriguing 79er.
Eyes the color of plastic; Lauren Wang, 1-13
A great damp loaf of a body. At six he weighed eighty pounds. At sixteen he was buried under a casement of flesh. Head shaped like a crenshaw, no neck, reddish hair ruched back. Features as bunched as kissed fingertips. Eyes the color of plastic. The monstrous chin, a freakish shelf jutting from the lower face. Certainly no looker but his temperament was saintlike; that is until the childhood heckling drove him to anger, hate and eventually barehanded murder.
Response to Lauren Wang; 1-13
The phrase is a direct metaphor yet the comparison is interpretive as the color of plastic means so many different things. Now “eyes like the color of plastic” would be a simile still with the same interpretive ambiguity. An implied metaphor would change the statement to something like “eyes of plastic gazed at the sunset from the rim” where color is implied from the statement but still a personal reading. Ultimately, the phrase is interpretive, vague but distinctly evocative.
Guest Author; Carolyn Stapleton 8-13
He asked me to look into his mind with my eyes of plastic, and eliminate all expectations and never be disappointed. This is what I saw: Warped fascination, swimmingly blue eyes that light up a room, glorious delicious morsels. Author coyishly radiant, gracefully navigating the inevitable march of frailties. Actively creating, circumnavigating and caring about his city, while searching for beauty. Adam’s apple intact and fingers typing out interpretive vague and distinctly evocative thoughts.
My two cents. Love, Carolyn.
Reverse Curve; 11-12
The arch of her foot. The calf down to the ankle. The buttock’s tight upward ending back into the top of the thigh. The under cleavage returning to the ribs. The chest’s concave curve into a convex curve of the pert breast. She had them all dressed in a braless wife beater, khaki colored chinos translucent from the sun behind her and flat sandals showing her confidence at 5’ 2”. Perfect. She just didn’t give two cents about me.
Expectations have dashed the hopes and dreams of many a good person, relationship, cause. It is not that there was not success or love or passion. It was that the expectations exceeded the results. He deserved a raise he thought; so did his boss. But the money proffered was thought generous but received cheap. Expectations hurt both men. Alternatively, you could eliminate all expectations in life and never be disappointed; but stuck in a forlorn life of under fulfillment.
Home Improvement; 9-12
My anticipation soared with the familiar smells. The dark haired, raven eyed beauty had sweat on her brow and a few drops above her sumptuous lips. The tank top hanging lower than manufactured due to perspiration dampness and the luscious, ample, supple glands revealing themselves nicely as she leaned over her work. Our eyes met as she looked up. “Can I help you?” Recovering my Adam’s apple I said “Italian sausage with everything”. Nothing like Sabrette’s at Home Depot.
For an old guy, he was quite hip. He grew up before the computer generation; hell, he grew up before calculators. But he had learned to use a computer, email, skype; he even tweeted. But with age came the inevitable march of frailties including his memory; particularly for his passwords. So he came up with the perfect solution. He could type in any password and the computer always replied “your password is incorrect” thereby cueing his new password; “incorrect”.
She bypassed the best in her closet choosing frumpy. The time the store was least crowded meant the number nine bus; perfect for scanning ads and coupons. Scouring the sale racks she sees it; the slight imperfection in the fabric of the name brand silk blouse. A slight skirmish at checkout before the price is further reduced. She is coyishly radiant on the return ride, smoothing her nails with a small, sharp file still with a silk thread attached.
He sees her everywhere; running, the grocery, the gym. He can never look away. Slight stature, great legs and butt, tight abs, swimmingly deep blue eyes, blonde hair, a petite rack. Her confidence is luminescent. He gulps and says; “I see you around the neighborhood; running, food shopping. You just light up a room. I felt compelled to say something.” She turns as those blue eyes slow time and she replies in a deep, sultry voice “Beat it, creep”.
Fate; 7-12 (group authorship with Dylan, Casey and Hannah written on vacation in Captiva)
Although their fears were as yet unrealized, the island touristas wielded machetes fearing chupacabra. Unfortunately, the evil ones did not fear the vacationing visitors. The chupacabra, eagerly eyeing isolated, unsuspecting touristas, were ready to hungrily pounce. Poor, thong-wearing Hector and Esmeralda, complaining of underarm chafing from carrying the heavy machetes, did not have weapons ready. Regrettably for Esmeralda, her left arm was torn from the socket, arteries spurting, with the sweet meat angrily fought over by the alleged fantasies.
Delicious; 6-12 the original and, in my opinion, still the best.
The officers waited for the neon sign to glow in the shop window advertising hot, glorious, delicious morsels. A car pulled into the parking lot next to the two story building. A rotund behemoth squeezed out of the front seat and slowly made her way up the wobbly stairs to the dingy office above the little shop of goodness. Their excitement soared for nothing made better donuts then fresh lard; fresh from the liposuction office over the donut shop.